Self-esteem & sports nexus

There is no value-judgement more important to man — no factor more decisive in his psychological development and motivation – than the estimate he passes on himself  — Nathaniel Brandon

While flying from Washington, D.C. to California recently, the person sitting next to me asked what I was working on that seemed to hold so much of my attention. I said I was writing about the impact of sports and physical activity on peoples’ success in life. My neighbour thought for a long minute, and said, “You know, I’ve often thought that if I could be God for just a few seconds, the one thing I would grant to people would be the ability to feel better about themselves.”

In the 50 years I’ve been working with children and adults, lectures on developing self-esteem have been the most frequently requested in parenting workshops. This also holds true for my counseling and one-on-one coaching sessions. Self-esteem or self-confidence is the major underlying issue almost all people need to deal with.

The dictionary definition of self-esteem is “belief in oneself, self respect”. In short, a person with high self-esteem is someone who accepts herself, has few feelings of insecurity and believes she deserves respect and love from others.

Young people with low self-esteem don’t feel comfortable trying out new things. They tend to be self-deprecating, exhibit low tolerance of frustration, and give up easily or wait for somebody else to take over. Children with low self-esteem tend to be overly critical of, and easily disap-pointed with, themselves. They regard temporary setbacks as permanent, intolerable conditions. They exude pessimism.

On the other hand, children with healthy self-esteem enjoy interacting with others. They are comfortable in social settings and uninhibited in group activities. When confronted with challenges, they work towards finding solutions. They know their strengths and weaknesses, and accept them. They exude optimism.

Healthy self-esteem is important for children to succeed in sports arenas and playing fields. Success in sports depends on parents, teachers and coaches who must help to build and strengthen their wards’ self-esteem. Here are eight guidelines to follow:

Take the pressure off. Sports should be fun for children. Fun is of the essence, so don’t act like it’s the end of the world if your kid isn’t the best player in the team or doesn’t spend 20 hours each week practicing. As long as they are enjoying themselves, they’re learning.

Be a positive role model. If you are excessively harsh or demanding on yourself, or diffident about your abilities and limitations, your child may mirror your attitudes. Whether a parent or teacher, you are a role model in how you react to a close contest or a poor call by an umpire. Nurture your own self-esteem and enjoy the sports experience yourself, and your child is likely to follow.

Watch what you say. Children are very sensitive to parents’ words. Their self-esteem is based mainly on what they hear about themselves from others, especially parents. The more a child hears positive things about himself, the better the chances of developing a positive self-image.

Focus on potential instead of limitations. When we look for weaknesses we are sure to find them. A better approach (and one that is being increasingly utilised in business organisations) is to focus on the positive strengths of an individual and leverage them.

Help your kids learn how to separate self-esteem from achievement. Too many athletes and sportspersons tie their self-worth to their level of performance. Help your child to understand that they are strong personalities engaging in sports and games rather than athletes trying to become strong personalities.

Remember that your agenda is not your child’s agenda. Kids engage with sports for many reasons. They may enjoy competition, socialising, playing teams or the challenge of setting goals. But if parents are solely focused on scholarships, money and fame, there is potential for conflict between you and your child.

Encourage humour and laughter. The most dominant quality that characterises children with low self-esteem is excessive seriousness. So anything you can do to help your kids lighten up will help them develop self-confidence.

Entertain realistic expectations. It’s amazing how kids will go to any lengths (especially when they are young) to win their parents’ approval. Sport and games provide you with an opportunity to give unqualified, absolute approval to your kids — just for participating! Don’t mess it up by expecting your ten-year-old to have the physical and emotional capabilities of a 17-year-old.

There is no underestimating the value of developing  robust self-esteem in children. Engagement with sports can build that self-esteem, or break it. The outcome depends greatly on the adults involved. So make the right moves from the word go.

(Dr. George Selleck is a San Francisco-based advisor to SportzVillage, Bangalore)