Parents' sports personalities
Being a supportive sports parent entails much more than driving your child to and from practice, and cheering from the stands on game day. An enriching sports education requires a three-way partnership between parent, child, and coach. It requires building of a sports community devoted to the physical and mental well-being of each and every child in a team. It requires that parents support the coach through active involvement with the team, and always remember their role in the community — which is of parent, not coach. Many parents forget that distinction and believe they should have greater say in their child’s sports education. This is a natural parental instinct — to want to take charge of a difficult situation and solve their child’s problems. In such situations parents need to understand that they at best can provide only temporary solutions to their children’s difficulties in the development process. The world of sports is not the right environment for that type of parenting. In two books on sports parenting that I have co-authored with Dr. Dave Epperson, we argue that there is a fundamental difference between your child’s voluntary and mandatory activities, education being a prime example. When it comes to attending school, as a parent you must set ground rules for continuous attendance and ensure their enforcement. Most parents would agree that it should not be left to children to determine whether they will attend school each day or complete their homework every evening. These are parents’ mandatory responsibilities.
But sports and other voluntary activities should be treated differently. In the world of sport a child learns to think independently and become aware of her responsibilities in the early years. The responsibility of the parent is to help the child appreciate the difference between the two activities and help her balance them. Every individual on a daily basis, is confronted with situations which demand demarcation of activities which require guidance, from those which can be handled independently. The foundation for striking this balance needs to be built at a young age.
When it comes to voluntary activities, it’s advisable for children to be given the opportunity to lead and become their own advocates. For example, if your child comes home one day and tells you that she’s lost her starting position on the team and is now a second-string player. Most parents would respond by offering to contact the coach to find out why she was benched. A better response would be to ask your child, "Why do you think you got benched?" After she has offered her explanation, you could ask her: "How can I help you work on this challenge?" The key word in this offer of help is you. The point to note is that in this instance it’s not the parent’s responsibility to fix the problem. The parent’s role is to build the confidence of the child, so she can address difficult situations independently.
This attitudinal approach enables children to learn to accept responsibility by actually experiencing it; to think hard about why he/she may have been demoted to the second team. Was it lack of ability, or lack of effort? Or lack of height, weight, speed, or commitment? Each of these possibilities requires to be addressed in a different way. But unless your child defines the problem, the chances of her solving it for herself are slim. All too often, the root cause of a problem is not properly understood and wrongly addressed. Helping a child to ascertain the prime cause of a problem or setback with complete honesty, might resolve characteristic concerns like lack of confidence as well. It will also help her to examine her shortcomings positively, and work towards remedying them.
T
here are a number of benefits which flow from
encouraging children to take charge of their voluntary activities. Among them:•
You can avoid conflict with the coach, who understandably does not want his coaching decisions questioned by every concerned parent•
You can help your child to evaluate criticism and react positively•
You can also avoid conflict with other parents who are just as concerned about their kids’ sports •
You can help prevent conflict among the players themselves. Nothing will make your child unhappy more quickly than a group of angry teammates. •
You can help your child develop interpersonal skills with peers and those younger
In this context, it’s worthwhile to bear in mind that responsibility is learned by experiences that cannot be taught in classrooms or lecture theatres. You cannot simply tell a child to "be responsible". Parents need to provide children with opportunities to take responsibility for sports field performances. The appeal of sports activities is the ample opportunities they throw up for self management and development. In the process, children develop skills and values which will serve them well for the rest of their lives: commitment, effort, confidence, teamwork, positivism and accountability.
(Dr. George Selleck is a California-based sports psychologist and advisor to Sportz Village, Bangalore)