Developing inner strength

“There is no value judgement more important to man — no factor more decisive in his psychological development and motivation — than the estimate he passes on himself” — Nathaniel Brandon

No one questions the importance of confidence in determining success. Success in friendships, work and business, sports and particularly in love, is largely determined by how we see ourselves — our self-image. People who have confidence in their value and worth are those most likely to succeed in work and life. Good things happen for them more often than for most; their relationships seem more solid and enduring; disadvantage becomes advantage and they derive more enjoyment from work and play.

Over the years, in counseling sessions and workshops, participants have often come to me soliciting advice. But I always make it clear that I am more of a mirror — helping them see themselves — than a counselor. I tell people — clients in counseling, as well as parents and coaches in workshops — that the most important learning they can take away from our time together is not what they hear me say, but what they hear themselves saying. In essence, by holding up a mirror to them to see how they are viewing themselves and their lives, I try to help them make discoveries and decisions that will support and enhance their self-image.

Yet it’s important to bear in mind that confidence — particularly in games and sport — develops over months and years of practice and play. Real confidence is that which comes from within. That’s why it’s called self-confidence. Children shoul-dn’t have to depend on what they hear to boost their confidence on game day. They should be encouraged to learn and take personal responsibility for confidence building.

Having served as a pastor, counselor and coach to athletes and executives for several decades has convinced me that no work is more important than helping children (and adults) to take responsibility for their own development and well-being, and simultaneously to contribute to the well-being of others. Simply put, a child becomes responsible when she becomes aware of herself, and of her own needs, and the needs of others.

Whether in the scriptures, psychology, science or business, there is a recurrent message, though differently phrased: “As we sow, we reap”, “You shall know them by their works”, “You get out what you put in”, “For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction”, “There’s no such thing as a free lunch”. The message is clear: our deeds and choices determine the quality of our lives. We get to choose how to treat other people, how much we will learn, how we will handle adversity.  Our choices determine our character — the kind of persons we are or will become. It’s clearly upto us whether we choose to live from the inside out.

True, all people are not equally positioned to choose. By this I mean that genetics, circumstance and socialisation influence our deeds and limit our ability to choose. However, these hurdles can be overcome by perseverance and resilience.

Perseverance — sticking to a task or objective until it is completed and attained — is critical to achieving worthwhile goals. It’s rightly said that talent accounts for a mere 5 percent of most achievements. It is fascinating to note that basketball legend Michael Jordan, despite all his talent, became a model of hard work and determination after being dropped from his high school team.

Yet most of us struggle with the cost-benefits of delayed gratification. Quite naturally, children and youth are impatient and often believe that there are shortcuts to fame and success. Decades of teaching, mentoring and coaching have taught me that excellence and success comes in the fullness of time. When one persists with hard work, practice and match play, excellence is an inevitable outcome.

As for resilience, research has shown that it is the most important quality you can instill in your children. Numerous studies have shown that resilience — the inner strength to cope with setbacks and obstacles, no matter how high they’re stacked — is the ultimate test of a child’s ability to overcome challenges and manage disappointments in school, on games fields, or in sports arenas. In our fast-paced, stressful world, children need to develop resilience to overcome adversities which are inevitable in classrooms and on playing fields. In my more than 50 years of practice as a coach, director of a social work agency and practicing psychologist, I’ve seen that instead of mentoring and nurturing their children to persevere, in their anxiety to see them succeed, many parents actually undermine their children’s ability to develop resilience, rather than reinforce it.

In short, children and adolescents who learn to become responsible for their actions and their own well-being, start with a great advantage in life.

(Excerpted from The Voice of Kids in Sports and Life which Dr. George Selleck — a Los Angeles-based sports psychologist — is writing currently)