Preparing for the golden years
Recently, I dutifully chaperoned my parents for a therapeutic holiday in Goa. When parents approach or cross their biblical span of three score and ten, it’s time for the child to become father of man and assume the role of caregiver. In this connection it’s important to remember that if children are loved and cared for in their formative years, they will in turn be loving and caring towards parents in their sunset years.Since I am a relatively young parent (nowhere close to my biblically ordained lifespan), my 24-year-old, Los Angeles-based son is very caring. He constantly worries about me being kidnapped on the lonely streets of Los Angeles and won’t leave me home alone. Although I don’t need help and complain that he is over-protective, it feels good to know that he is so concerned and caring.
Age being relative, I’m aware that my ideas and attitudes are archaic for a young boy. But that’s the way I see my parents, although they aren’t old by current standards of an ageing world. On reflection I believe they seemed older when I was young. Now the age gap seems to have shrunk. Each day I see teenagers and young adults with their parents and marvel at the youthfulness of senior citizens.
In fact during our recent holiday en famille in Goa, my parents wanted to dance away the nights and go sight-seeing during the day. They thoroughly enjoyed the music, the new age shows, the unusual display of art and artefacts, the exotic food and the hippie flavour of the Saturday night flea market in particular.
Despite dominant opinion in India which is a very ageist society, good times aren’t the sole prerogative of generation next. It may be discomfiting for children to see their parents rock ‘n’ rolling or being loud and boisterous, but it’s not for them to lay down the rules. I remember having one of the most enjoyable evenings of my life at a former boss’ 75th birthday party. I had never laughed as heartily and preferred it to younger, more self-conscious get togethers.
Ninety-four year old Dr. Shigenki Hinohara, author of How to Live Well eats minimally and sleeps little, but promotes the right mental attitude. The 1.2 million sales of his book have solidified his position as Japan’s guru of healthy ageing. "If you keep working, even after 75, if you keep learning something new, you’ll never get old," is his simple message. "When I get to 95, I think I’ll take up golf, because then I’ll finally have the time," he adds.
Recently I vetoed my 73-year-old father’s plan to begin a new project because of his advanced years. I realise now that I was wrong to be so negative, knowing fully well that you grow old because you stop playing; you don’t stop playing because you are old. Dr Hinohara’s book was initially titled, How to Die Well. As an eco-nutritionist I prefer the former title because it’s my answer to people who say they’d rather make merry because they don’t mind dying early. Nothing objectionable about this philosophy except that dying with a host of health problems and in pain isn’t fair on your family and just isn’t worth the sensory pleasures of eating, smoking, drinking, and working and living carelessly. In any case it isn’t true that to live well you have to live austerely. If you learn to live as nature intended, life would be joyful, full of flavour even in the twilight years.
Dr. Andrew Weil, the celebrated wellness guru and clinical professor of medicine at the University of Arizona, has useful advice for people in their golden years. "Discover and enjoy the benefits that ageing brings: wisdom, depth of character, the smoothing out of what is inconsequential and the concentration of true worth," he says. Over and above the sound advice he gives on meditation, touch, massage, yoga, walking, food, relationships, productive activity, rest and sleep, emotional attitudes — he stresses minimal alcohol consumption and forswearing tobacco and drugs.
I
remember the exhilaration i experienced when i
turned 40 because I was over and done with issues
that suddenly became non-issues. At the cost of sounding clichéd, life did really begin for me at 40! And I’m sure the 50s, 60s, 70s (if that be my destiny) will be as exhilarating. I’m confident about the golden years because I’ve taken the trouble to live a balanced life.Our bodies are constantly changing because of what we feed on, including emotions. Ageing is a beautiful process that can be bereft of all the ailments it is associated with. The golden years can be a time of relaxation, of not having to worry about earning a living, of letting trivial and unnecessary issues fade away, of fulfilling aspirations, of pursuing hobbies and learning new things, passing on accumulated wisdom to the next generation, of spiritual progress, of giving back to society, or of simply having the time to smell the roses. It can be whatever we decide to be for ourselves. And it is for the young people to allow this growth to their parents without inhibiting such blooming.
Parents and grandparents deserve to live and die with respect and dignity, often needing guidance and support to do so. I watched my grandmother die at home gradually, saying her last goodbyes to all, with absolutely no intervention. I would consider myself fortunate to be granted such a final exit.
(Kavita Mukhi is a Mumbai-based eco-nutritionist and director of Conscious Food)