“Stephen Covey’s advice to ‘begin with the end in mind’ plays well in our discussions about parents’ roles. If we want our kids to be competent, confident in their abilities, and able to display good judgement, we must give them opportunities to learn and test these areas as they grow.” — Sue Blaney, author of Please Stop the Roller-coaster! How Parents of Teenagers Can Smooth Out the Ride.
When I ask parents what life lessons they want their children to learn by participating in games and sports, one of the top vote getters is ‘teamwork’. So I often make it a practice to pose the same question to groups of children. Only this time, I phrase the question differently: “People say that sports participation is good for kids because it teaches ‘life lessons’. Do you feel you really learn life lessons from playing sports?”
You would be surprised at the large number of kids who say they don’t learn any useful life lessons on their playing fields. From this I have derived two useful conclusions.
• You can’t assume your kids are learning what you want them to learn from sports activity.
• If you want them to learn critical skills like teamwork, you’d better make sure you are teaching them these life skills.
Long before sports comes into the picture, the parent-child relationship is your children’s first real experience of teamwork — and often, it’s the one that has the greatest impact on their lives. But as in the case of many sports teams, successful parent-child teams don’t happen automatically. They require hard work and application. Here are four suggestions on working with your children to establish strong parent-child teams:
1. Articulate. The great baseball player Yogi Berra once said, “If you don’t know where you’re going, you’re sure to end up somewhere else.” An effective team must have a clear sense of direction. And when it comes to parents, kids, and sports, who’s in charge of providing that direction? It’s the children. That’s right, on this team, they’re the leaders. So, do you know what is your child’s purpose for participating in a game or sports activity? Is she playing for fun? Is she looking to learn life skills? Or hoping for a scholarship or career opportunity? What does she want from you in terms of support? If you don’t know, you need to know.
2. Create common ground. The Latin word for ‘common’ is communis. Thus, communication is the prerequisite of creating common ground on which team members can stand shoulder to shoulder. Common sense should tell you that the best way to create a common ground with your child is by attending her games as often as possible. You cheer for her. You give her your full attention when she talks to you. If you’re not in a position to give your children individual attention, tell them when you can. You listen more than you talk — much more. You don’t dismiss their sentiments or success strategies, no matter how silly they might seem.
As I discuss in my forthcoming book, Kid Sense: Advice to Parents from Kids in Sports, parents really need to understand where their kids are coming from in sports (and everything else, for that matter!). This means almost literally stepping into their baseball cleats and looking at things from their point of view. That little squabble with a teammate, the off-hand remark from the coach that you may regard as trivial, may be a life-and-death matter to your child. But you won’t know unless you’re really paying attention. Parent involvement can go a long way in improving a child’s performance on the sports field and in stadiums.
3. Learn to collaborate. Collaboration is an attitude as well as a behavioural norm. When you have a positive attitude towards collaboration, you constantly seek ways — beyond the more obvious ones — to work with the team. Test yourself. Do you chalk out goals and present them to your child, saying, “Here are the goals of our family. We need to work on them together.” Or do you cooperate with your child to draw up mutually acceptable goals? A positive mindset towards collaboration inculcated in a parent-child relationship helps develop leadership qualities within children.
4. Be persistent. Remember the movie Twelve Angry Men? In it, Henry Fonda plays a jury member who labours long and hard to persuade his fellow jurors to examine more closely the evidence against a young man accused of murder. In the beginning of the movie, eleven of the twelve jurors want to pronounce him guilty as quickly as possible and get out of jury duty. But Fonda’s character opens their minds to other possibilities and persuades them to re-examine the evidence. Thus, a group of individuals who are convinced they know it all, transforms into a team working together to do the right thing.
Contrary to popular belief, parents don’t always know it all. Neither does your child. But when you work together as a team, you are far more likely to come up with good answers and solutions.
That’s how teamwork is learned.
(Dr. George Selleck is a Los Angeles-based advisor to SportzVillage, Bangalore)