Supporting children at play
Lately, whether refereeing high school basketball games, speaking to groups of coaches or parents, or simply watching my grandchildren play youth sports, I have had numerous opportunities to ponder the question, "How best do we support our kids in their sports activities?" The options range from buying the best equipment, to taking them to expensive coaching sessions, signing them up for special classes, providing the right nutrition etc. All these are the logically right things to do; things that we believe will make a big difference to their sports performance.But finally I’ve come to the conclusion it’s not the big things we do — buying expensive equipment, sending them to the best coaching clinics — that ensure a positive, rewarding sports education experience for our children and grandchildren. It’s the little things. Here is a list of five ‘little things’ you can do which won’t cost you a penny, but will pay off big in the end.
Be there for your child. What does it mean to ‘be there’ for your children? It doesn’t mean offering them sound counsel and sage advice, which is what most well-meaning parents do when they want their kids to do well, or when they anticipate that their kids will experience problems or setbacks. The truth is, children are not really interested in us telling them what they should do. The best teacher, very often, is experience. Kids are trying to find their own feet and their own way of dealing with the world. They don’t want sermons or "I told you so!" attitudes when they make the mistakes we’ve been dreading! What children want to know is whether we are solidly in their corner — especially when things aren’t going well. Once they have that security then — maybe — they’ll be open to hearing advice.
Listen truly. True listening means being willing to be impacted by your kids — being willing to be changed by what you hear. True listening is all about the person we’re listening to, but too many times we act as if listening is all about us. In other words, we don’t listen to understand the other person; we listen so we can formulate a brilliant response and impress people with our knowledge and wit. Parents need to slow down their listening to focus on what is being said — not on what they want to say in response. Our kids are viewing the same old world with fresh new eyes. Take the time to give them the benefit of doubt and be open to changing your opinions based on what they tell you.
Model, model, model! When you see a child walking off the field throwing a bat or glove, or getting into a shouting match with an opponent or official, or pouting on the sidelines because he/she is benched, it is often because they have seen others throwing such tantrums. It is critical that parents show restraint when they themselves are outraged or upset by a bad call or a child’s lack of playing time and other related issues. This doesn’t mean you can’t experience such feelings — after all, it does hurt seeing your child treated unfairly. However, you can control your response to help your child control hers.
Accentuate the positive the right way. Praising a child’s achievements or performance ("That homerun was awesome!" "Way to strike ‘em out!") can backfire and prompt children to be too hard on themselves when they fail to live up to high point achievements. Therefore it’s advisable not to focus on the language of results and awards. Excessive enthusiasm tells your child that what matters to you is that she wins. Instead, learn the language of encouragement ("That was a great effort," "You handled that well,") regardless of the outcome of a game or field/track event. When you praise children’s efforts rather than success, it makes them try even harder when they fail.
Relax and enjoy yourself. Whether baseball, cricket or football, it’s only a game. Kids instinctively sense their parents’ tension. If you approach the big match as just a game, your child will be able to enjoy the game instead of worrying about your expectations. Your ability to relax will reduce (and hopefully, eliminate) the pressure you unwittingly exert on your children and help them relax and enjoy themselves too. Remember, kids play because they want to have fun, not just to win or to be the best in town.
It is often said that spending time with children makes you younger. I thoroughly enjoy spending time with kids engaged in sports and have spent a lifetime helping athletes take the most out of track and field events. If as a parent you can apply the five little things discipline to yourself, you will not only make your child’s sports experience memorable and rewarding, but you will also impact them in ways that will sustain them through life’s most difficult and challenging situations. The reason why sports activity is regarded as an integral component of education is that it inculcates positive values and life skills in children, which stand them in good stead through life. And in the final analysis that’s what matters.
(Dr. George Selleck is a California-based sports psychologist and advisor to Sportz Village, Bangalore)