Cover Story

Pushy parents driving kids over the edge

Of course in their own eyes, upwardly mobile, ambitious parents are doing the best for their children. But unwittingly they are driving a rising percentage of India’s youth to drugs, despair and often, suicide. Dilip Thakore reports

Amit Kumar (19) student of NIT, Jalandhar; Dimpy Mitra (16) class XII student of Fr. Angel School, New Delhi; Priyamvada Singh, Class XII student of DPS, Vasant Kunj, New Delhi; Shaifali Bhan, class X student of Sanskriti School, New Delhi; Rajyalaxmi Isakhimuhi (17), class X student of Vani Vidyalaya School, Mumbai; K.Anita (16) class X student of Venkatapur High School, Ranga Reddy district, Andhra Pradesh; Heena Tiwari (15), class X student of Pragati Hindi Medium High School, Ahmedabad; Rajnee (13), class VIII student of Middle School, Pansa, Udhampur (J&K); Gurinder Singh  (20), class XI  student of Victoria International Public School, Phagwara (Punjab); Debashish Mandal (18), class XII student of Raghunath High School, Kolkata.

These are the names and particulars of ten students across India who committed suicide during the past year for reasons connected with academic stress. They constitute a small percentage of the estimated 4,000 students nationwide who were driven to ultimate desperation by parental pressure to succeed in competitive school, college and/ or public examinations. For them the onus of great expectations proved too heavy to bear.

Filial or parental pressure upon children to excel — especially academically — has been an enduring characteristic of middle class India from time immemorial, and instances of student despair and suicide were not unknown in 20th century post-independence India. However following the belated liberalisation and deregulation of the economy in 1991, and with annual rates of economic growth having climbed to 7-8 percent per year, the Indian middle class — the chief if not sole, beneficiaries of economic reform — has expanded rapidly and is variously estimated at 200-300 million or 40-60 million households.

Inevitably, despite lip service to detailed central planning, India’s political class and architects of licence-permit-quota raj have failed and neglected to build sufficient capacity in institutions of higher education, commensurate with a burgeoning middle class which naturally aspires to equip children with tertiary academic qualifications. Consequently the aggregate enrollment in India’s colleges/ universities is a modest 10.5 million (cf. 12 million in China and 16 million in the US). More pertinently while only 11 percent of the population in the 18-24 age group in India enters tertiary education, in Japan the percentage is 49 and the US 81 (China: 13 percent).

The original sin of insufficient capacity creation in tertiary education is compounded by the lopsided character profile of higher education in post-independence India. Although the number of universities and colleges has expanded from 25 and 565 in 1953 to 344 and 17,700 currently, institutions of excellence comparable with globally renowned colleges and universities in the West are few and far between, and tend to be promoted by the Central government (e.g IITs, IIMs, Indian Institute of Science, All India Institute of Medical Sciences etc) or by private trusts and organisations (St. Stephen’s, St. Xavier’s colleges, Manipal Academy of Higher Education, several top engineering and medical colleges and B-schools). The overwhelming majority of colleges promoted and managed by India’s 29 state governments provide sub-standard, barely marketable, dumbed-down higher education. For instance according to a recent NASSCOM (National Association of Software and Services Companies), only 15 percent of the annual graduate output of India’s 1,265 engineering colleges is employable. Ditto graduates of state government-run arts, science and commerce colleges.

Consequently admission cut-off averages in school-leaving (classes X and XII) exams required for entry into the small minority of Central govern-ment and private sector colleges have reached an unprecedented 90 percent plus. This combination of factors has prompted a growing number of upwardly mobile parents anxious to get their children into the best colleges and universities, to exert unprecedented pressure upon their children to excel in school. Of course in their own eyes such ambitious parents are discharging their duty of doing their best for the children. But unwittingly, they are driving a rising percentage of India’s youth to drugs, despair and much too often, suicide.

"In Indian society adult-child relationships are built around instruction, expectation and control. There’s a conspicuous lack of a culture of discourse or recognition of the personhood of children. Once a child is a student he is seen only as a student, little else. And as such he represents a status change opportunity for the family. If he/she does well in school and secures admission into a college or institution meriting campus interview, contracts a high salary, foreign posting etc, the entire family experiences upward mobility status change. Therefore relentless pressure to perform is built into the parent-child relationship. Not that there is bad intent. Most middle class parents believe they are genuinely working to secure the future of their children, but in reality they tend to impose a huge burden of unrealistic expectations upon them," says Dr. Shekhar Seshadri, professor of child psychiatry at Bangalore’s reputed National Institute of Mental Health & Neuro Sciences (Nimhans; estb. 1974).

Seshadri believes it’s high time the parental community lightened up and lets children experience the joy of childhood as a rite of passage. Responsible parents need to resist the temptation to fulfill their thwarted dreams and aspirations vicariously through their progeny, and learn to acknowledge the individuality of their children. In particular they need to appreciate "effort rather than achievement and virtues such as integrity, compassion, life skills, self-reliance and aesthetics" rather than mere "examination competence". "High ambitions for children — for admission into the best schools, best colleges, best jobs and rapid promotions — creates a never-ending desire and constant striving which makes life miserable for youth. The anxieties parents suffer for their children’s future are unwarranted in the 21st century. Today there’s a huge bouquet of career choices for youth, who for the first time have the option to choose vocations which match their aptitudes and interests. The days when one had to do well in school to enter top medical and engineering colleges and the best B-schools are gone forever. Parents need to lighten up and enjoy the childhood of their children," advises Seshadri.

Seshadri’s contention that selfish "status change" aspirations of middle class parents are behind the relentless pressure that often drives children over the edge, is supported by Dr. T. P. Jindal, chairman of the Delhi Psychiatry Society. "Middle class aspirations of upward mobility are at the heart of the issue of rising student suicides in the country. Unfortunately education and careers have become so intrinsically linked that parents usually fail to recognise the aptitude and real potential of their children. Parents should learn to accept that every child need not become a great heart surgeon or engineer. There are many other fields of endeavour in which they could excel. We need to have faith in our children and allow the best to come out of them," says Jindal.

Undoubtedly for the great majority there is a good case for parental pressure, hard study and academic achievement of children. Decades of neglect of education by governments at the Centre and particularly in the states, has made supplementary home study crucial for government school students (over 70 percent of the country’s 200 million primary and 33 million secondary school students are enrolled in government schools, in which on any given day 25 percent of teachers are absent). Moreover downstream higher education has also been dumbed down by bureaucratic micro-management and interference. Consequently competition to squeeze into the few excellent colleges and institutions of higher education — the passport to life-long workplace success — is intense. For instance in April this year, over 300,000 class XII school-leaving students wrote the joint entrance examination for admission into the country’s globally renowned seven IITs. Of them only 5,444 have been admitted. Ditto the six IIMs which admit postgraduates.

"Schools are an extension of society, a sub-system of the environment and as such they reinforce societal cravings. Therefore with school-leaving averages of 75-80 percent counting for nothing for admission into the best colleges, school managements too have begun to impose heavy pressure upon students to excel academically. To that extent, we are also to blame for rising student suicides. But of late there is growing awareness within the teachers’ community of large-scale neglect of the emotional growth and well-being of our children. We need to include entrepreneurship, design, aesthetics and sports skills in our school curriculums, which is the norm in developed western countries. Fortun-ately CBSE (Central Board of Secondary Education) has introduced life skills programmes from class VI onwards and the liberal NCF (National Curriculum Framework) for school education which becomes operational this year, will provide some relief," says G. S. Negi principal of Mehta Sadan Vidyalaya, a Bharatiya Vidya Bhavan, CBSE affiliated senior secondary school in Delhi with an aggregate enrollment of 2,200 students.

Although the great majority of parents continue to equate achievement with academic excellence, the belated awareness of the need to let up on academics and encourage co-curricular and extra-curricular education of children is beginning to spread within the parental community. For instance Mumbai-based Meena Lalvani, a commerce graduate of Mumbai’s Mithibai College and currently working with Mediastar Pvt Ltd, a books and magazines distribution company, has given her son Naishad (17), a class XII student of the city’s top-ranked Cathedral and John Connon School, free rein to develop his squash racquets playing skills. And with full parental encouragement, this teen has won the Sri Lanka and Singapore Open and is currently representing India in the junior world tournament in New Zealand.

"My husband Ravi and I were well-advised, and right from the start we encouraged Naishad’s extra-curricular interests. As a consequence he has developed into an amazingly good squash player. Of course his pre-occupation with the game has affected his studies and he is no more than an average student. But we are well aware that today there is a growing number of people — Sachin Tendulkar, Leander Paes, Mahesh Bhupati, Sania Mirza among others — who have made successful careers in sport. It’s important for parents to let children focus on subjects and activities for which they exhibit aptitude and derive satisfaction and achievement. A child who is fulfilled is more likely to succeed than a resentful doctor or engineer," says Lalvani.

Although in the upper echelons of society there is growing awareness of the rights and aspirations of children, unfortunately such liberalism is the exception to the rule. Themselves the victims of unrelenting "instruction, expectation and control" as per the social analysis of Dr. Shekhar Seshadri (quoted above), the great majority of middle class parents (working class parents can’t wait to put their children to work, given the pathetic learning outcomes of government schools) are impatient with new-fangled notions such as aptitude testing and radical career paths. Following the straight and narrow path of established tradition, they exert tremendous pressure upon their children to live laborious days and nights to excel academically.

"Against the backdrop of the demand-supply gap between seats available in higher education and growing competition for them, the number of assertive parents is growing. So is the number of children who lack coping skills in school and at home. The process of developing coping skills — including learning to share, care and adjust to difficult situations — must begin early with parental involvement. By age six, children should develop what we describe as the 3 R’s — routine, recognition (of the self) and resilience. This helps them build confidence and confront disappoint-ment. Regrettably, there is little or no awareness within the parent or teacher communities of the importance of preparing children to manage disappointment. Hence the rising student suicides," says Lata Jacob, administrator (chief executive) of the Medico Pastoral Association, Bangalore (estb.1964), a rehabilitation centre for mental healthcare patients which mans Sahai, the garden city’s sole suicide prevention telephone helpline. A postgraduate in social work of Loyola College, Thiruvananthapuram (Kerala), Jacob served as a hospital social worker in Zambia for over a decade (1977-87) prior to signing up with MPA in 1988.

Box 2

Warning signs and panaceas

With cut-off percentages for admission into the much-too-few ‘good’ colleges and institutions of higher education having crossed the 90 percent threshold, the pressure on children to excel in school-leaving exams has reached explosion point. With capacity expansion in higher education lagging way behind the expansion of the middle class, a growing number of youth are being driven to depression and despair which, unfortunately, often seems to end in suicide.

The Bangalore-based Medico-Pastoral Association (est.1964) is a rehabilitation centre and half-way home for mental healthcare patients. It also manages Sahai, the garden city’s sole suicide prevention (telephone) helpline. Sahai’s guidelines for detecting suicidal behaviour and recommended parental responses are outlined below.

Emotional transformation. A child is sad, angry, tense, tearful or over-reacts for no apparent reason. These are some of the early warning signs of suicidal behaviour. Fear, withdrawal, brooding and excessive fussiness about physical attributes are additional signs to watch out for.

Behavioural change. Academic grades drop sharply; loss of interest in formerly pleasurable activities; sudden changes in sleeping patterns and eating habits; avoidance of friends and family; loss of concentration; verbal hints; deliberate acts of self-harm; hallucination; bizarre thoughts.

Lifestyle changes. Resorts to alcohol or drugs; signs of bulimia (overeating, self induced vomiting, excessive dieting); violates rights of others without regard; life-threatening behaviour.

(For further information call 080 2549 77 77)

Evidence of student despair and suicides in the garden city is provided by the growing number of children (and parents) ringing the Sahai helpline. According to Jacob, calls per day during exams have risen from an average of five, three years ago to over 30 this year. "When we receive calls for counselling from parents, we advise them to support children in their disappointment, which is usually greater than of parents. We advise them to focus on discovery of aptitudes and interests of their children rather than over-emphasise academic achievement. We have been trained to counsel parents and children in distress that academic success is not the sole measure of achievement and we cite success stories of high achievers who weren’t great academic toppers. In most cases our advice works and there is growing awareness within the parents’ community of the need to develop life skills and extra-curricular interests of children and make childhood a happy period for them," says Anita Gracias, an alumna of Wilson College, Mumbai who is a committed Sahai helpline volunteer.

Nandini Sardesai who served a long stint (1974-2004) as professor of sociology at Mumbai’s highly reputed St.Xavier’s College, is of the opinion that parents need to pay greater attention to their own education than of their children. "Parents who are ambitious for their children need to focus on the self and absorb the simple proposition that board exams and college grades don’t matter in the long run. From personal experience one knows of average students who’ve done well in life and of brilliant scholars who haven’t amounted to much. Parents need to encourage their children to study subjects they like and have an aptitude for. Parents who force children to study chemistry, engineering, medicine etc in which they aren’t the least bit interested, are doing them great disservice and psychological damage," warns Sardesai.

The social fallout of parental over-anxiety and pressure on children is spelled out by Dr. Prema Rajagopalan assistant professor of sociology in the department of humanities and social sciences at IIT-Madras. "Whereas in western societies contract relationships between parents and children are well internalised and parents seldom interfere with the lives of adolescent children, in Indian society parents still cling to traditional values, make career decisions for their children and tend to over-protect them. Therefore while uncertainties due to interrelated changes in society like shifting employment trends, heightened job insecurity, declining influence of tradition and custom on self identity and erosion of traditional family norms manifest themselves in high divorce rates, depression, suicides and other forms of withdrawal among adults, in India they impact children, who are being driven to despair, depression and suicide," explains Rajagopalan, an alumna of Madras University and IIT-Kanpur.

Her advice to parents? "Look on the positive side of globalisation which has created unprece-dented employment and vocational opportunities, and encourage children to avail new options in education, careers and employment."

Certainly within a robust economy which is growing at an unprecedented 7-8 percent per year, in which for the first time in the nation’s history, jobs are chasing people instead of the other way around, middle class angst about the future of genext is unwarranted. The middle class which is a peer group for Indian society, urgently needs to educate itself and acknowledge that children have rights, their own distinctive personalities and their passage through childhood needs to be memorable, fulfilling and enjoyable. A revolutionary social transformation which places the education, health and happiness of children at the very top of the nation’s development agenda is overdue.  

A recent (July 11) survey conducted by Reuters AlertNet, a humanitarian news portal, ranks India as the sixth most dangerous country worldwide for children — more dangerous than Afghanisation, sub-Saharan Africa and Myanmar. Unfortunately the danger begins at home.

With Autar Nehru (Delhi); Bharati Thakore (Mumbai) & Hemalatha Raghupathi (Chennai)